Don't Criticize, Condemn, or Complain
Prior to working as a trainer in the late 2000s I had spent most of my life working in restaurants, a gas station, and in retail. My duties involved interacting with people and creating relationships with them, but usually in a one-on-one setting and with just a few minutes of conversation each time. Anyone that meets me today might not believe that I was (and quite often still am) awkward, shy, and uncomfortable in group settings, particularly when it involves strangers. At some point early on in my coaching career, I was able to transition from “faking it til I make it” to being able to sincerely take interest in the people in front of me and in helping them do the best they can. While I wouldn’t say I am entirely comfortable in a new setting, I do have the confidence that I can manage any situation I am in and I can do so with far less awkwardness, all while experiencing only a mild level of discomfort. Thankfully, I had the fortunate circumstance of shadowing some very talented and charismatic coaches at the start of my career which helped me in feeling comfortable in taking charge. I learned by observing then practicing, and in time I found myself seeking out people I’d admired to see how best to create trusting relationships. At the time, I didn’t know why I was doing this but I’ve come to realize that by investing in relationships I was able to experiment with movement patterns, workout strategies, and recovery methods. I was spending a large chunk of time investing in others in order to invest in myself, to become a better coach in the future.
Years of developing coach-athlete relationships with 1000+ people and I’ve come to understand a couple of things: words matter and perspective is everything. Our mindset and thoughts can be powerful tools but they can also serve as weapons that lead to self-destruction. What is it that holds us back from creating meaningful relationships with one another and creates a narrative in our minds that doesn’t fit with reality? Author Ryan Holiday would say your ego has a lot to do with it, in his book “Ego Is The Enemy.” Throughout history we have seen the demise of empires because they were unwilling to receive criticism and surrounded themselves with people that were only there to praise them. Conversely, the modern leaders and Roman Stoics that were humble and growth-minded were able to overcome adversity and live far more meaningful lives while enjoying longer periods of success. These lessons can be found everywhere if we look for them but if we are unaware of who and where we are in our journey, we will not be able to heed the warnings and change our perspective. We can apply these lessons in our daily lives in order to create less conflict and form stronger bonds with those around us, but we first have to know that we are susceptible to our own biases. Below is one of many situations in my profession where my ego has gotten in the way of getting what I wanted and how a change in perspective could have made all the difference:
An experienced CrossFitter becomes a new member at StrongFit. Right off the bat I can see how with just a couple of cues I can improve their movement patterns to become more efficient. After providing these cues to the member, they look at me with confusion and carry on as though I wasn’t giving them feedback. I slow them down, try again, this time with different cues and demonstrating what I would like them to do. They reluctantly try it, perform a few reps the way I ask them to, and so I walk away. I make my laps and come back several minutes later, only to see they’ve regressed to how they were moving previously. This time I stop them in their tracks, explain why their current movement pattern is inefficient or could lead to an injury, and then explain the benefits of the new movement pattern while demonstrating and providing new cues, offering tactile cues if necessary. They would give me an annoyed look, try it, say they understand, perform the movements at a more controlled pace, and again I walk away to make my laps. I come back several minutes later and see they have gone back to their original movement pattern.
At this point I am frustrated, feeling like they are intentionally ignoring me despite my best efforts to help them. I feel they are not coachable and I have a hard time wanting to put in as much effort to coach them the next time they are in. These feelings, this perspective, are me being defensive because I am unable to get the person to do what I want them to do. I am failing at what I have set out to do, which is to help people CrossFit safely and effectively.
What I’m failing to realize here is where the new member is coming from. The first thing to note is that I have done nothing to earn their trust, we’ve developed no coach-athlete relationship, and as far as they are concerned I could have no idea what I’m talking about. They may have had a bad coaching experience in the past, or have never been coached before. They may be coming back from an injury from when another coach had tried giving them a similar cue. They may be trying their best to do what I am asking of them, and are confused when I am asking them to do it again. What I believe happens in most of these situations ends up being a combination of these things, summarized in the following order:
no relationship has been developed so they are reluctant to try something new
they try the new movement pattern which feels different and they are unsure if it is safe to continue doing so but try anyways
they are asked to slow down or stop altogether, hampering their workout, and for the third time they feel like I am making them feel like they are doing it wrong (and in front of others to boot)
we are both frustrated and neither of us get what we want
As a coach I cannot lose sight of what I set out to do which is to deliver a safe and effective exercise program, but I also have to keep in mind that trust comes first. If I feel frustration and no longer want to help someone that doesn’t automatically listen to everything I ask them to do, I am abandoning that principle. This is where having hindsight in the present moment will best serve me.
“The only real failure is abandoning your principles. Killing what you love because you can’t bear to part from it is selfish and stupid. If your reputation can’t absorb a few blows, it wasn’t worth anything in the first place.”
So how do we come to these realizations without failing repeatedly at what we do and then reflecting on our failures? Maybe we don’t and we have to go through them. Or we can reflect on past situations and talk to the other person to see what they were experiencing, to better understand their perspective.
In Dale Carnegie’s 1936 book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” his first principle reads “Don’t Criticize, Complain, or Condemn.” Here is a summary from the Dale Carnegie Boston webpage:
““The first principle that Dale Carnegie offered to his audience was “Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.” This ideal teaches us to be kind and thoughtful when considering other peoples’ feelings. Its about showing respect to get respect – treating others the way you want to be treated. This principle encourages an open mind when talking other people.
Don’t criticize a person for having a different opinion than you because everyone’s opinion matters regardless of whether there is 100 percent agreement. If you skip right to criticizing, you will never get anything accomplished. The most common natural reaction for someone is to clam up and shy away from a conversation with you. This is especially important in the workplace when trying to settle a conflict. Conflict resolution does not happen by criticizing your fellow team members.
Don’t condemn your coworker or friend for doing something you don’t believe was right. There may be a reason why he or she decided to do things that way. And you won’t know that unless you approach your friend with an open mind and a cool head. Condemning another person’s actions without knowing the full circumstance of that action is immature and short-sighted.
Don’t complain about a decision that was made or about a problem you are having. Instead work actively to solve it. Ask yourself what’s the worst that could possibly happen, and then look for a solution. Someone once told me that ‘complacency is the enemy of progress.’ Complaining about your job or something that happened is going to prevent you from solving the problem and its going to get you a lot of annoyed looks from your cohorts. People don’t want to hear you complain about something that happened in the past, they want to hear how or what you did to solve it.”
How do we reduce the amount of emotional energy we invest into a challenging situation? Try to see it from the other person’s perspective and choose your words carefully so that there is no room for misunderstanding or miscommunication. Of course this seems simple, but it won’t be easy to do and in some situations you’ll both be unhappy anyway. What I’m willing to bet on though is that you’ll be less steamed, for less time, the next time it comes up. But only if you’re able to see and feel what they were experiencing and ask yourself what you would have done if you were in their shoes.